Not My Parents Way: Raising Our Kids Differently

Whether you had a “great” childhood or there are things you wish would have been different, parenting techniques have changed throughout generations. It is difficult to figure out the best parenting methods for your children.  And it can be even more difficult if you and your partner have different approaches. 

As adults, we tend to go two different ways when it comes to parenting: Either we automatically parent very similarly to how we were parented, or our parenting style is more of a reflection of what was missing from our own childhood. 

It is worth taking a more intentional approach to your parenting, acknowledging that your kids may have different needs than you did, and that they might respond to parenting styles in different ways.  We don’t have to fall comfortably back into the parenting style from our childhoods. We can change or improve on the approaches our own parents used. Each family is unique and our kids deserve a more tailored approach that reflects their needs, their strengths, and their environment.

Be Aware of Who You Are

A strong sense of self-awareness is crucial if you want to raise your child differently. It’s not difficult to see that kids today probably need a different style of parenting than the one you were brought up with. You probably weren’t born into a generation with so much technology at your fingertips, for starters. The world is constantly changing, and parenting styles need to change, too. 

So, before you consider how you want to raise your child, think about who you are, how your upbringing shaped you, and things you had to learn (or re-learn) on your own. 

Obviously, you’re not raising your child to be a carbon copy of yourself. But, setting forth your ideas and values in your parenting style will be important. That’s especially true if you’ve grown in different ways from what you were taught. Knowing who you are will make it easier to raise your child in a way you’re comfortable with. 

Consider What’s Best for Your Child

Of course your top priority is doing the right thing(s) for your child. That’s probably why you’re thinking about how to raise them, in the first place. Even if you had a great childhood (or have often thought “well, MY parents [insert discipline technique here] and I turned out okay…”), there are probably things you can look back on and think of ways your own style could be different, or better. 

There are also going to be things your parents did that may not have been wrong or negative, but need to be adapted to the current generation. 

For example, you may have thought that having an early curfew was unfair and cruel as a child. Now, as a parent, you can see the value in it, since you want your child to be safe. But, you might go about setting that rule in a less strict way by explaining the importance of safety to your child, rather than setting a rule without explaining it. 

Communication is crucial in any relationship, including a parent-child one. If your parents set a lot of boundaries and rules without talking to you about them, think about how you can keep your child safe with similar rules, but explain why they’re important to follow. You know what works and what doesn’t. Explaining things to your child will make them feel valued and validated, rather than “trapped”. 

Do Your Own Research

There isn’t one perfect way of parenting. You might take certain pieces of your own parents’ process and apply them to your style. Or, you might want to do something completely different. You might even do your research online for information on what other parents are doing. 

Whatever you decide, remember that it’s okay to “re-learn” the basics, or really think about them for the first time. The best thing you can do is keep an open mind and be adaptable. Your own style might change as your child gets older, and that’s okay. 

It’s okay to raise your child differently from your parents. It’s all a learning process, and if you’re doing the things you feel are right, you can stand firm in your decisions and feel confident that you’re doing the right things. And remember, you are not alone.  I would be happy to explore this with you. To find out if parent counseling from an experienced therapist could benefit you, please feel free to contact me.

Photo by guille pozzi on Unsplash