Pandemic Pushback? How to Help Your Struggling Teen

“This sucks.”

It’s a  frequent statement, made by millions of teens, describing a myriad of post-pandemic realities.

Lockdowns suck, closed malls suck, online school sucks, “zoom prom” sucks, canceled sports suck, etc etc etc.

And you may be really sympathetic. You get it. They’re right.

Or you may be tired of the whole sucky chorus.

Perhaps you’re weary of discussing whether they should be allowed to get together with kids they are “‘sure” don’t have CoVID. Or maybe you’re completely overwhelmed by the number of times your teen’s eyes roll, doors slam, or you are met with hours of brooding silence.

The teens years are always a challenge (for teens, too). The teen years during a pandemic, are something else entirely.

So what’s a parent to do when safety is paramount but teen pushback is real? Consider the following ideas:

Validate their grief.

The truth is, your teen may not have ever had experience with this much loss, all at the same time.

While your teen’s attitude may not engender much initial compassion, try to look deeper. Their grief is genuine and may be overwhelming. So many of the cool things that matter to them are currently off-limits.  They are upset that the moments and milestones that they so looked forward to are being lost to something scary and invisible. 

They may frequently want to throw caution to the wind and just take their chances. That’s why they need you to hold them steady with a firm hand… and lots of understanding. 

Express to your teen that you share their sadness and grief. Acknowledge that you know what they’re missing and hate those losses with them. Empathize and talk it through. 

Then, be patient and affirming, they have a right to grieve in their own way, as long as they are safe.

Encourage, empower, and celebrate.

It’s more than likely that your teen does not want to spend the year next to you on the couch. This can still be a time to spread their wings. Quell their cabin fever and preserve your relationship, by helping them prepare to fly the coop as much as possible. 

Talk to your teen about what they want to do when their freedoms return. Discuss how to prepare. Perhaps driving or college, are on the horizon. Schedule time to drive around the empty parking lots nearby. Find scholarships to apply for or set up Zoom tours to various universities.

Also, maybe make this a time for them to learn how to prepare one family meal per week, small projects around the house, or to start managing the grocery budget. Encourage them to learn the skills for living on their own that you might not have made time for before. Be sure to celebrate their new levels of independence and responsibility.

You might be surprised at how confident and capable they feel when their old teen life resumes.

Provide some guidance for tackling those tough emotions.

Often teens have trouble finding the upside. This isn’t a call to tell them to smile or get over themselves. Now is actually a good time to show rather than tell.  Demonstrate daily what healthy emotional management looks like.

When tensions are high, you can agree that everything sucks. But don’t slam the door, yell, or avoid everyone. Set a different example.

Soften your gaze, relax your shoulders, a breathe deeply. Dig deep for a bit of humor or lean in and calmly state, ” I am angry right now, how about you? Let’s talk about this after dinner.”

Show your teen that your relationship matters more than any amount of negativity between you. It may not seem like it, but they’re paying attention.

When You Need More Support

It may be that you and your teen are past the point of general relationship strategies. Perhaps you need some customized support. That’s okay. You are definitely not alone.

If you’re worried that your teen’s moods are persistently anxious, low, or angry, it may be time for professional guidance. Reach out to a knowledgeable, experienced therapist for help. There are ways that your teen can meet for private sessions from the sanctuary of their room. The first step is to let them know that they are seen and heard.

You can read more about teen counseling here. Or, reach out for a free telephone consultation to discuss how I can help you and your family.

Photo by Alexandre Desane on Unsplash