Signs Your Clashing Parenting Styles Are Creating Family Conflict

They say opposites attract. But when it comes to parenting styles, opposite (or differing) approaches can add to the tension in your home and in your relationship with your partner.  When families experience stressful events, or kids have additional needs that can make connecting with everyone more complicated, clashing parenting styles tend to muddy the water even more.

This is not to say that you and your partner need to parent in exactly the same way, or have the same perspective and beliefs regarding your children. However, it IS important to present a united front on the major issues. Mixed messages tend to create confusion and misunderstanding. For our kids, this can lead to anxiety, ‘acting out,’ and a lack of felt safety. Let’s look at four different parenting styles, and the effects of each on our children.

The Four Different Parenting Styles and Their Impacts

Authoritarian

These parents do not negotiate. Rules are carved in stone. Violators are punished. This is not done out of sadism. The ostensible goal is to set high standards that will propel the children to high levels of success. However, the research does not bear this out. Children of authoritarian parents are more likely to be involved in:

• Bullying

• Substance abuse

• Social withdrawal

And, later in life, they can have a greater incidence of mental health issues.

Uninvolved

This is not exactly a parenting “choice” except in the case of abuse by neglect. Some parents simply don’t supervise their kids’ lives. It should come as no surprise that this approach causes emotional and behavioral issues. For example:

• Inability to fit in and makes friends

• Trouble with basic daily functions

• Lack of a familial bond

• Lack of emotional regulation

• Impulsivity

Permissive

Some parents cannot bring themselves to restrict or “disappoint” their children. They offer love and support but set few limits. They’d rather be a friend than an authority figure. This type of indulgent parenting can lead to children developing perspectives like:

• Rules are flexible and made to be broken

• Discipline isn’t important

• There’s no need to develop self-control

• If anyone sets limits, they are bad or mean

Authoritative

There’s fair and there’s strict. Authoritative parenting sort of straddles the two approaches. It involves a balance between nurturing support and the setting of firm boundaries. Studies find that children do best in a setting that involves:

• Emphasis on positivity — even when enforcing rules

• Keeping the focus more on rewards than punishment

• Offering advice, compliments, and security

• Explaining and discussing rules and boundaries

Are Your Clashing Parenting Styles Creating Family Conflict?

There are instances when both parents mostly align with one of the above styles. Thus, there is no “clash.” But, of course, this does not mean there is no conflict. However, you and your partner may approach parenting from different angles. If this is the case, you will see plenty of signs to watch for in the descriptions above. In addition, you might be experiencing some of the following behaviors and symptoms:

• Sibling Rivalry: Your kids may feel the need to compete in order to get the kind of positive parenting they desire.

• Anxiety: All around. If you, your partner, and your children have no idea what the rules are, confusion and stress reign supreme.

• Marital Strife: If your spouse contradicts your parenting approach (whether directly or indirectly), conflict becomes inevitable. When parents are not able to come to an understanding, they are often left sitting in frustration and resentment.

 Creating a United Front is No Easy Task

We don’t usually choose our parenting style. Much of how we parent naturally is a result of how WE OURSELVES were parented.  We may automatically do or believe certain things without stopping to reflect on where we learned this. If your family is caught up in the crossfire of different parenting styles, it can feel like a minefield.  What makes it worse: Family life never really settles down long enough for us parents to sit back and muster the energy to really untangle our own stuff. Fortunately, support is available to help you as an individual, a couple, or a family. 

Consider Professional Support

Counseling can be an invaluable resource for understanding your child’s needs and how to proactively parent in a way that guides your child towards success in life, while bringing your family together. Sharing your experiences and concerns with a trusted, qualified person can bring relief and a path forward. To find out if parent counseling from an experienced therapist could benefit you, please feel free to contact me. You are all on the same team. Let’s get you to a place where it actually feels that way.

 Photo by Julian Hochgesang on Unsplash