What To Do When Teen Aspirations and Parent Expectations Conflict

The old trope of parents and teenagers not getting along is something most of us are used to. And, there is some truth to it. You’re in a completely different stage of life than your teen. So, it’s normal to butt heads every now and then. 

But, when your expectations as a parent and your teenager’s aspirations start to clash, it can lead to bigger issues. If you’re a teenager, it’s easy to feel like your parents don’t understand what you want for your future. As a parent, you might be assuming your teen doesn’t truly know what they want. 

So, what can you do when you have conflicting ideas? How can you find some middle ground and stop these conflicts before they get bigger? 

Understanding Priorities Now

Parents, think back to when you were a teenager. Your priorities then probably weren’t the same as your priorities now. 

For example, you might think your teenager keeping a clean bedroom is important, while they’re fine living in the “mess”. 

So, should you lighten up? Should you remember what it was like when you were that age? 

Well, yes and no. 

It’s important to accept that your teens have their own set of priorities- now that they are approaching adulthood and (hopefully!) independence, they are figuring out who they are as individuals. Using the bedroom example, your teenager might not think it’s a big deal to live in a mess. But, instead of arguing with them about it, try explaining why it feels important to you. 

To your teen, it’s just one area of the house. However, by getting in the habit of keeping a clean bedroom now, they can take those organizational skills with them when they move out and have a place of their own. They’re also more likely to be organized at work, and in other areas of their life. 

Believe it or not, teens do often think about their futures. But, far too many have idealized versions of it in their head. Whatever priorities you might have for them as a parent should always be guiding them toward a future where they will know what they’re doing and how to get by on their own. 

Preparing for the Future

Speaking of the future, it’s not uncommon for parents and teens to have different ideas for career, relationships, and education.

For example, if you’re a parent you might expect your teenager to get a job or go to college after high school. If you’re a teenager, you might want to take a year off to travel or go to trade school. 

When those ideas clash, it can create lasting tension in your house. But, it’s important to be a little flexible where the future is concerned. Parents, your job is always to guide your children no matter how old they get. But, part of that includes allowing them to explore on their own, and even make mistakes. 

With that in mind, however, teenagers shouldn’t be so quick to disregard those parental expectations. Parents have expectations because of life experience and how much they want their kids to succeed and be happy.  The problem is, we don’t always define “success” the same way, or find “happiness” from the same things. 

What Can You Do? 

The best thing you can do to diffuse these conflicts is to listen to each other. Sometimes that might seem easier said than done. But, if parent and teen can agree to simply listen, conflicts are less likely to escalate. 

No one wants to believe that they aren’t being taken seriously, or that their feelings aren’t valid. Parents, your teen may be young, but it’s important to recognize that their feelings are real. Teens, understand that your parents truly are looking out for you, even when things don’t seem fair.

If you’re having trouble communicating effectively, feel free to contact me. Sometimes, having someone neutral “in the middle” can make healthy communication a possibility. With teen counseling, everyone can learn the skills needed to stay calm and productive in your interactions at home.

Photo by Adam Birkett on Unsplash