Stepdad? Adoptive Mom? 7 Issues Biological Parents Just Don’t Understand

Blended families are more common than ever in the U.S. The stigmas surrounding them are fading, and it’s not nearly as uncommon for kids to have stepparents, adoptive parents, or caregivers other than biological parents looking after them. 

While different family variations are becoming more normal, that doesn’t always mean it’s easy for non-biological parents. There are issues you have to face on a daily basis that biological mothers and fathers just don’t understand. 

Being able to discuss those issues is important, but that starts with recognizing and accepting them, for yourself. 

With that in mind, let’s look at seven issues biological parents just don’t understand. 

1. Roles Without Rights

Whether you’re a step-parent or an adoptive parent, it’s often easy to feel like you have to take on every role and responsibility possible for your child. You’re essentially wearing a parenting “hat”, but many times you might not feel like you have the rights of a full parent – even if you do. It is important to remember that you may be “mom,” but you are not your child’s only mom. That can be a really hard truth to hold for step- and adoptive parents, and there is nothing wrong with getting extra support for your own emotional resilience in this parenting adventure.

It can take a while for some children to develop secure attachment. So, while you have the responsibility to care for them, you might feel like you aren’t yet reaping the rewards of parenthood.

2. A Relationship That Develops in Front of the Family

If you’re a stepparent, one of the challenges you might have to face is developing your relationship in front of your partner’s/spouse’s children. You might not have as much alone time with your partner as you would if they didn’t have kids. Some feel added pressure managing extended family’s expectations and (often) unsolicited input.

It’s a fine line, then, to make sure you’re approaching your relationship in a way that is appropriate and nurturing for those kids, so they know you’re taking it seriously. 

3. People With a Past

When you adopt a child (or multiple siblings), you understand that they have a past. No matter what they share with you, you’ll never fully know the things they’ve experienced. That can be hard, as a parent, to know you weren’t there from the beginning.  Your kids will likely need help healing from their loss and traumas that occurred before you became a family.

The same rings true for step-parents, though in a slightly different way. You might even have feelings of jealousy over your stepchildren’s biological parents because they’ll always know the kids’ past more than you ever will. 

4.  Different Relationships for Different Family Members

When more than one child is involved, it’s common to have different relationship levels. You might become very close with one child but have a hard time connecting to another. It can often be harder to form a strong relationship with an older child right away, whereas younger children are usually quicker to “accept” and want that connection.  

5. More Work

Whether you’re a step-parent, adoptive parent, or caregiver, it can often feel like you have to put in twice the work of a biological parent. From relationship-building to understanding needs, there are some things that might not come naturally. Putting forth that extra effort makes all non-biological parents pretty special, in their own right! But, it can also result in parents feeling isolated, or like no one really understands their family.

6. Outside Influences

If you’re a step-parent, you might have an uphill battle when it comes to forming a relationship with your partner’s kids. Sometimes, it just takes time. In other situations, you might be dealing with your partner’s former spouse “working against you”. If they aren’t happy about the arrangement, they might be saying negative or untrue things about you to their children. 

While that’s wrong and can be harmful, it does happen. Stay the course and remain true to who you are. Eventually, the kids will see that. 

7. Different Ideas

You might have different ideas about parenting than those your step-children or adoptive children are used to. Pick your battles. Be flexible and adaptable while still remaining in control. You might not always get your way, but as long as you’re steering your kids down the right path, it’s okay to “give” a little. 

There are always going to be issues that biological parents don’t understand. Raising children that didn’t come to you biologically can bring specific challenges. But, overcoming those challenges and working through them can be one of the most rewarding experiences you’ll ever have. 

If you find you need more support, please read about parent counseling and contact me soon for a consultation.