Sucked into Another Power Struggle With Your Preteen?
If you have adolescence blooming under your roof, it can feel like there’s something new to argue about every day. Kids in this stage are starting to crave more freedom and more power.
Some days, the power struggle might not seem worth it, so you give in to what your child wants. Other days, it might seem like your argument goes on for hours and ends with everyone feeling upset and angry. Unfortunately, nobody wins when there’s a power struggle. It’s exhausting, emotionally draining, and can cause lasting struggles between you and your child even as they get older.
Thankfully, you don’t have to deal with constant power struggles with your preteen or wonder about it getting worse. But, you may need to make changes to how you and your preteen relate to each other.
Not sure what that means? Let’s cover a few changes you can make to avoid getting sucked into another power struggle.
Recognize Your Current Parenting Style
If you feel like you’re constantly arguing with your child, your parenting style might be too “extreme,” one way or another. Some parents are extremely passive and have few rules. You might not get in as many disagreements with your preteen, but it can feel too unstructured or even inconsistent.
On the other side of the spectrum is an authoritarian parenting style. This often includes rigid rules, no negotiations, and a “my way or the highway” attitude. As you might expect, it’s much easier to butt heads with your preteen with this style.
Approach a Balanced Parenting Style
In-between those two extremes is a balanced parenting style. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Some days you might lean more toward passiveness, and other days you’ll be more assertive. Your goal, however, should always be to strike a healthy balance.
A balanced parenting style focuses on firm rules, limited negotiation, and respecting your child’s opinions. They know you’re in charge and have the final say, but won’t look at you as someone trying to take away their freedoms. When you’re more balanced in your approach, they will be, too.
How to Hold Back a Power Struggle
For better or for worse, your approach has a lot to do with how your preteen will respond to things. If you’re having a disagreement or they’re trying to “take control” of a situation, there are a few things you can do.
First, listen to them. More often than not, preteens and teenagers just want to be heard. They want their opinions validated, whether you agree with them or not. You might be surprised at just how much being an active listener will make a difference.
It’s also important to stay calm during outbursts. You may be tempted to give back the same intensity you’re getting from your child, but that won’t help either of you. By staying calm, you’ll set an example for your preteen, and they might be less likely to yell, too.
Finally, let them know your expectations, rules, and consequences. Offer the opportunity to compromise with your child so you both feel understood and respected. Make sure everyone is clear on the agreement, and the different outcomes if the agreement isn’t upheld. This will help your preteen feel more empowered and in control, which can help them make healthier choices.
Power struggles between preteens and parents don’t have to be a way of life. If you’re struggling to find a happy balance with your child and you want to stop arguing all the time, look at the themes and expectations on both sides. It might be time to make some changes and instill some new, healthy roles and possibilities in the parent-child relationship. Consider parent counseling and contact me soon for support and tools for more productive interaction.